Big Tex

Joined

• started 127 topics
• posted 10,216 times   see topics posted on
• send a message

Posts by Big Tex

• 
  281

  Songs that make you cry

  by sooner7nc in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  there have been several threads about music the last few days, so i decided to start another.. this song absolutely makes me tear up every time i hear it.. .

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cq_3byxasmm.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex
• 
  57

  How Suicidal Thoughts can take over your Life.

  by Lady Lee in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  how suicidal thoughts can take over your life.. i lived most of my life thinking about suicide.

  i have clear memories when i was 8 years old thinking about what it would be like to die.

  i went to sleep every night of my young childhood saying the prayer:.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  Lannie - the past year and a half has been extremely difficult. At times I've related to what LL talks about in this thread. Every day is such a struggle you get tired and just want a normal life again. And I hate the games some people like to play. But spreading lies about me, well I thought only my JW mother was that low.

  But as they say things do get better and when I look at where I was April 2011 and where I am now, there has been a lot of progress.

  FHN - I guess my point about meds is don't blindly trust your doctor about them. Just because he/she says they're safe doesn't make it so. For example anti-anxiety meds in particular are easily addictive and very difficult to withdraw from. That just creates another set of problems in addition to the original one.
• 
  57

  How Suicidal Thoughts can take over your Life.

  by Lady Lee in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  how suicidal thoughts can take over your life.. i lived most of my life thinking about suicide.

  i have clear memories when i was 8 years old thinking about what it would be like to die.

  i went to sleep every night of my young childhood saying the prayer:.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  I just wanted to say something about your original post.

  Suicidal thoughts, I believe, cross almost everyone's mind if even for a second or two. Where it lingers is with people trying to cope with a cult situation such as Jehovah's Witnesses. Having to face shunning or being mind fucked by the teachings of WTS into believing one is "bad" or "wrong" creates such a double bind where someone is damned if they follow their conscience and damned if they don't. Like a rock dropped into a pond the ripples go on for years and sometimes decades. My son has never met his grandfather. Which is actually a good thing but I digress.

  But suidical thoughts are even stronger for survivors of abuse. Long story less long, growing up in an insane world you just reach a point where you want out. You just want to quit the game, you don't want to pass GO, you don't want to collect $200, you just want it all to stop.

  My last therapist, Carol, once told me that although we can deal with abuse issues they will always be a part of us. All that pain, all of that craziness will be part of who we are until the day we die. But she said that recovery wasn't a 60 minute TV drama solution. She said it's a lifetime process with ups and downs and sometimes it means we take a few steps backwards before we can move forward again. She said that the goal of recovery is to make that pain smaller every day until it's the size of an atom. But it will still be attached to us and always have an influence on our thoughts and reactions.

  Just a thought LL. Where we came from, even now, has a big impact on how we react and feel about our life in 2012.

  Chris
• 
  57

  How Suicidal Thoughts can take over your Life.

  by Lady Lee in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  how suicidal thoughts can take over your life.. i lived most of my life thinking about suicide.

  i have clear memories when i was 8 years old thinking about what it would be like to die.

  i went to sleep every night of my young childhood saying the prayer:.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  My doctor suggested meds but I only want to do that if the talking doesn't help. And it is helping a great deal - even in just a few sessions talking to people.

  We've talked about the benefits and traps of meds. I started off 25 years ago being against meds, then because it helped my son, I softened. I am back to being very very anti-med. I think you know why.

  I do think it is better long term to go through the pain in the short term, face it and get past it. So many meds have side effects that only magnify the original pain and lead to other complications that would never have happened.

  But of course each person must make the choice for themselves. Just don't take your doctor's word on this as very often they have an agenda, contracts, bonuses, etc. that is not in your best interests. Trust your therapist and most of all trust yourself.

  Chris
• 
  57

  How Suicidal Thoughts can take over your Life.

  by Lady Lee in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  how suicidal thoughts can take over your life.. i lived most of my life thinking about suicide.

  i have clear memories when i was 8 years old thinking about what it would be like to die.

  i went to sleep every night of my young childhood saying the prayer:.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  But I don't want to be dead. I have more to do in this world. So I am back in therapy, doing what I have to do, to feel like I have some control over how I react to what other people choose to do.

  Powerful post LL. Very powerful. Reminds me of the old JWD days before JWN. No you really don't want to die. You want to see what happens next. You have something you want to say. Even now. And you need to say it with your life. It is that drive that helps keep you going despite all the bombs dropped on your village. How many times do we have to go through our own Hiroshima and how many times do we have to rebuild?

  In my former life here, I thought I had answers. I was such a fool. Having said that I will share with you something I've learned several times over -- that this life, for whatever reasons, is not fair. I don't know why. But it always has been and most likely always will be. It's not fair some are given things that you and I can only dream of. And it's damn unfair some keep getting hit over and over. But in that former life, like you, I came very, very close to exiting the building. There was a a scene from a movie that touched me deeply and I thought of it when I read what you said above:

  We are all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly. Human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.

  Lee I choose to believe we are in fact the sum total of our choices. Our lives, however unfairly and painfully they play out, are actually defined by how we choose to deal with events that unfold so unpredictably and so unfairly. There's a thought that's been rattling around and not fully formed but it's occurred to me that if we did in fact evolve, grow over the millenia through natural selection then I wonder why we have the ability to love. Not parental love, that's protecting your gene pool so it will grow and now erotic love as that's simple procreation.

  I mean the capacity to care for others, an ability most people have to want to give to others and to give back or pay forward. It's a cold world, there is no reason for genetic improvement and yet that ability to love is there. It's real.

  You have that within you Lee. This capacity to love has a great deal to do with what you've got left to say with your life. You have this hope that somewhere, somehow someone in the next generation, someone in the future will understand more and make a leap to improve so one less person suffers what you went through.

  You and I have known and were close to people in our lives who faced the fork in the road and went in a different direction. Ultimately it is of course their choice. But it still hurts like hell. I wish I had an answer to that, I really, really do. The aftermath is cold and empty and lonely. So now I've come full circle about choices.

  Like you I faced the option of suicide full on and like you I chose to stay. And again like you I've wondered over the past couple of years if I made the right choice.

  One step at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time in an effort to give meaning to what has happened. Just my way of saying -- You're Not Alone.

  Chris
• 
  47

  Was Any Part of it Real?

  by Big Tex in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i'm sort of following a stream of consciousness so bear with me.

  i was flipping around on tv and ran across an old movie.

  a couple had a one night stand and when she realized he had just used her she was shocked and told him he had said he loved her.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  It is one thing if they knowingly created a facade. It is another if their belief system is a facade, they unwittingly playing the pawn. I call a friend someone that is sincere, genuine...even if misguided. If this person knows they are a fake...not a friend.

  Interesting chicken/egg question. I think it's fear based. They are afraid to look at themselves and put up a facade, a false front and anything that is too frightening to look at they sort of pull a Scarlet O'Hara -- "I'll think about that tomorrow". And of course never do.

  But over time I think some take down that false front and become who they really are. So circling back to my original question I think a relationship with that kind of person isn't real if it was based on a lie, a false front. I can say my feelings and behaviors were real, but not so much for the other person. The relationship itself was built on a flawed premise so in the end you let it go and move on.

  Chris
• 
  47

  Was Any Part of it Real?

  by Big Tex in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i'm sort of following a stream of consciousness so bear with me.

  i was flipping around on tv and ran across an old movie.

  a couple had a one night stand and when she realized he had just used her she was shocked and told him he had said he loved her.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  I guess I mean the governing body and their policies, Tex, but I think I am breaking your code there. Around the globe lay the ashes of such ill fated journeys, relationships and dreams.

  You are very perceptive.

  Just a night of free flowing thoughts. And really it's all good. I'm feeling pretty good. As I say knowledge is power.

  Chris
• 
  47

  Was Any Part of it Real?

  by Big Tex in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i'm sort of following a stream of consciousness so bear with me.

  i was flipping around on tv and ran across an old movie.

  a couple had a one night stand and when she realized he had just used her she was shocked and told him he had said he loved her.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  It was real. close friends/family together, all under the influence. But it was still real. Real experiences, real feelings while believing the same lie.

  But, the sake of discussion, you discover that that person you trusted and believed in was nothing but a facade? What if you discovered that they were lying not only to you but to themselves? And everything they were, everything they did was built upon a false facade?

  And so I say again, it was never real. I was real. What I felt was real. The love and devotion were real. But at the end of the day you realize you can only control yourself and the only person you can really understand and believe in is yourself.
• 
  47

  Was Any Part of it Real?

  by Big Tex in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i'm sort of following a stream of consciousness so bear with me.

  i was flipping around on tv and ran across an old movie.

  a couple had a one night stand and when she realized he had just used her she was shocked and told him he had said he loved her.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  They sure sucked a lot from our lives. That much is truth and that much is real

  Moreso an individual than a group. But that's okay. Now I know. So now I can start the journey of 10,000 steps.
• 
  47

  Was Any Part of it Real?

  by Big Tex in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i'm sort of following a stream of consciousness so bear with me.

  i was flipping around on tv and ran across an old movie.

  a couple had a one night stand and when she realized he had just used her she was shocked and told him he had said he loved her.

  1. 
  2. 
  3. 
• 

  Big Tex

  Today I received my answer. The answer is, not surprisingly ... No.

  Knowledge is power and now I know. I believe it was Nitzche who said "There is that which is and there is that which we would like it to be."

  I've always, from day one of entering the building, wanted see that which is irregardless. As the District Overbeer used to say "It's all good".

  Chris